Today, I Would Like to Discuss the Horrible, No Good, Feeling of Rejection

Today, I want to talk about rejection. Rejection sucks because when a person is rejected, it means they are a huge loser. And nobody I know, including myself, wants to be a huge loser. Right? This is fact and as such, indisputable.

Let me explain. In my month long absence from posting hilarious personal essays to my blog (sorry February), I’ve been working diligently to apply and post my humor around the World Wide Web on various popular and even not-so-popular websites. This strategy has not gone well.

Hopefully, my dedicated band of friends and family are still hanging around this place, cobwebs and all, thirsty for humor and fresh sources of laughter. So over the next few weeks, I will treat my loyal readership to the so-so rejected things I wrote with the intended goal of achieving a quick and easy path to fame and glory. You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.

Never one to despair for too long, although I do like a good pity party, I shall rejoice at my love for humor writing and stay the course, knowing that I’m moderately well-liked, sheltered, and amply supplied with multiple flavors of Triscuits that I can eat whenever I want.

Please enjoy this picture of "sword guy" at your convenience. I took it during a recent family field trip to the MFA. Please note that I'm not sure if posting this is illegal.

Please enjoy this picture of "sword guy" at your convenience. I took it during a recent family field trip to the MFA. Please note that I'm not sure if posting this is illegal.

I should also warn you, that these articles are a little different than what I typically write, and as such, you might find some of the content strange, weird, and even downright confusing, which, now that I think of it, might be why they got rejected. Without further ado, here’s what you can look forward to over the next few weeks:

  • An Open Letter to Tony the Tiger (The Original Furry)
  • A Thorough Account of What Turned Out to Be A Really Cool Alien Invasion
  • Best-Selling Author Pamela Festoon’s 60 Minute Seminar “How to Find Your Druthers”
  • I Got Something “Cooking Up” and that Damn Guest Toilet is in An Awkward Spot

Suffice it to say, it’s going to be awesome. So clear your schedule, quit your job, and abandon your children if you must. You’re going to need at least several minutes over the next month or so to dedicate to each of these wonderful pieces of humor.

And before I go, I’d like you to know, that as I sit here, dreaming big dreams and typing away, a two-man demolition team stands behind my living room wall, unearthing and gutting the neighboring apartment for renovation. The noise is … unbearable. Not to mention frightening.

I’ve already had one verbal altercation with a gruff looking man on Monday night over making too much noise at the ungodly hour of 7:30 PM. I can confirm, that he was in no way, whatsoever, intimidated by my presence or my demands. In fact, I think he enjoyed knowing that I was bothered by something he was doing.

Over the next few days, if you haven’t seen me publish any cool blog posts, or if my mobile phone goes straight to voicemail, or if you have a strange dream in which I’ve been inexplicably kidnapped and trapped behind some very sturdy drywall, please immediately call the local authorities. Thank you for that in advance.

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