A Brief Discussion on the Finer Points of Wrapping a Present

To begin, I think it's worth mentioning that there are different tiers of wrapping paper. It was only yesterday that I realized I've been using the lowest tier for my entire life.

Too many times to count have I finished up a pretty serious job, only to have the corners poke holes at the slightest movement of the box. And that's no good. That's shoddy workmanship.

Courtesy of en.wikipedia.org

Courtesy of en.wikipedia.org

I average about one wrapped box per every three hours. That's fifteen minutes of wrapping, two hours and forty-five minutes for drinking beer and to muster up any sort of motivation whatsoever to continue wrapping things. 

My advice is to spring for the heavy-duty paper to avoid doing things twice. I'm not sure where to get it, where it comes from, or if the roll I found in the living room was just a fluke.

The most likely scenario is that it was purchased by my fiance who knows about things like wrapping paper and where to buy the good stuff.

So then, presents remain, heavy-duty wrapping paper has been acquired, the next step is to organize the tape. With only two hands available to us it's clear that God did not anticipate the wrapping of Christmas presents when he was molding us for survival and life on this earth.

That's okay though because there are methods to handle this. I prefer to move a stool (not what you're thinking) or sit next to the coffee table for this. I then spend about ten minutes picking off different sized pieces of Scotch tape and placing them in a position on said stool or table so that they are easy to grasp.

Go into this step knowing that some tape will be lost during the process. It's inevitable and impossible to attain a 100% success rate. Don't sweat it. That's tape. Tape only seeks other tape, not wrapping paper.

That is the natural habitat of tape. The second you tear it away from itself it will try to cling back by folding over. You must will it with sheer strength toward and onto the wrapping paper before it can do this, it is the only way.  

One of the most difficult challenges when wrapping a present is the cutting of the paper.

Where to cut? 

How to do it straight? 

Woops. Try again. 

It will be frayed, rigged, unstraight and unwieldy, but don't let that stop you from using it. You can cover that up anyway. The worst part it yet to come, the worst part is what makes people like me fear the entire process, makes people like me dread the wrapping up of holiday joy.

It's not the first tape. The first tape is easy. Put the box in the middle of the paper, fold the paper over, and tape it down. Done. Simple. No probs. But then what? What in the hell is supposed to happen next?   

To be fair, no one has discovered how to tackle the folding of the ends of the present. It's just never been done.

Technically speaking, you'll have to settle for smushing the remaining paper into some sort of end piece by frantically, and this is key because the moment can be the most chaotic in the entire process, taping it together and to the box with a minimum of seven to eight pieces of tape. Although for good measure, and in my experience, it's best to go with at least ten pieces.

And that, as they say, wraps it up. Just repeat that process for as many times as you can without losing your mind and while you still have beer or wine or some sort of alcoholic beverage to take the edge off.

Good luck and I wish you a very happy wrapping experience. 

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