Here's What You Really Need to Know About Last Night's Republican Debate

It has nothing to do with being a Democrat or a Republican. It’s all about the debates. Debates are funny. Debates are silly. Debates reveal character. What’s not to like?

Maybe you care about the issues. Maybe you don’t. Our country runs on the hope that most people don’t care and won’t show up to vote. Seriously, we don’t even get a day off for it! So let’s skip the issues and talk about more important things.

Ready? Let’s go!


Trump Is a Master of Hand Movements

What most people don’t know is that Trump is not just a master of hair styling, but more importantly — a master of hand movements. With his thumb and pointer finger he pinches the air, chops, waves, salutes, dismisses, introduces, elbows, guffaws, and exasperates his opponents.

All without ever actually making physical contact with any of them.

The fact is, he studied hand movements in Southeast Asia for years, training under a monk (pronounced: munk) who swore an oath of silence, only communicating via hand movements since the age of three. Trump has learned from the best, and it shows.

Watching him on stage is like watching a swan attract a mate in the heat of summer. It is a dance of seduction. And we are all under his spell now.

Soon, Trump won't even speak words. The shouting will stop. Talking will cease. He’ll have no need for such a low-level form of communication. He is evolving by the second.  

Rand Paul Looks like the Villain in a Nicolas Cage Movie

His hair is out of control, and the color scheme is anyone's guess. But he also had the best prop moves by far. The pen.

He used a pen to make all his points. It was like a sweet ninja sword slicing and dicing his opponents poignant remarks. It was an act of genius. He looked Presidential. He waved it to and fro and didn’t drop it even once, not even when Rubio called him a committed isolationist, which is a remark that would make anyone drop their pen.

Where is Nicolas Cage hiding in this picture?

Where is Nicolas Cage hiding in this picture?

If Rand Paul does win the Republican nomination, I hope he’ll at least consider asking Nicolas Cage to be his running mate. I’m not sure why, but I feel like the two of them would make an unbeatable duo. Also, this is the first time I’ve ever noticed that Cage’s first name does not contain the letter “H.” Food for thought.

Let’s Take a Minute to Talk About Ted Cruz’s Eyebrows

Trump may be a master of hand movements, but nobody can match-up with Cruz when it comes to eyebrow gesturing. His facial emoticons are on a whole other level. His greatest advantage is the ability to completely detach the eyebrows and reassemble them like Mr. Potato Head into any position on his face.

His ability to mimic human emotion through the science of eyebrow gesturing is sensational.

Take these looks for instance:

  • Sad face, no problem.
  • tern but fair face, done.
  • Had enough of everyone’s bullshit face, boom!
  • I accidentally just slapped a baby face, don’t make me laugh, done.
  • Screw taxes and screw the government face, I was born with it, all set.
  • I just pooped a little, and I’m using my eyebrows as a mustache face, please.

But let’s be serious for a moment. The only one capable of defeating Trump’s hand movements is Cruz. His eyebrows have to take on Trump’s karate chops head-on, or nobody has a chance to defeat him.

Trump Already Started Building the Wall — With Legos

Back to Trump again. We all know about the wall by now. Trump wants to boot out the Mexican people from our country and establish a gigantic wall-like structure between our two nations.

What most people don’t know is that Trump wants to build the wall out of Legos. Billions and billions of tiny little Legos.



Then, the Lego Company will hire millions of hardworking Americans to produce the growing demand for more Legos. The economy booms. Everyone wins. America is great again.

In fact, satellite images from NASA show that Trump has already begun his Mexican wall. He spends every night out in the desert, with his kids, and a few close friends, building freedom.

My advice, if you haven’t already, buy Legos stock now.

Things Debaters Say to Talk About Whatever They Want

  1. “Let me be very clear …”
  2. “Look, if you want to know the truth …”
  3. “That’s a great question …”
  4. “If I can, I’d like to address the question asked 10 minutes ago …”
  5. “If I may ...:”
  6. “Where are my pants?”

Let’s Breaks Down the Candidate Website Stores by Best Item

Everyone at the debate has a website, and everyone at the debate endorsed their website. The branding, the marketing, the cool graphic designs, it is all so pleasurable and nice looking.

So now, all we need to do is visit the seven websites of each candidate, read through their entire detailed plans for the future, and make a rational decision as to who should represent the Republican Party. That is if you’re even a Republican.

Again, let’s skip that part. Who cares about tax plans and military spending? Nobody. Clearly, the best part of each candidate website is the store where you can buy beer mugs and stickers and sweatshirts and all this other stuff.

And there are SO MANY hot items for sale:

Ben Carson: Sign-up today and you get a bumper sticker. Boom!

  • Inspirational Tagline: Heal, Inspire, Revive
  • Best Store Item: 30% off a Ben Carson $35 Scrub Top, because you know, he was a neurosurgeon.


Jeb Bush: Is having a 10% off DEBATE SALE!

  • Inspirational Tagline: Strong, Conservative, Reformer
  • Best Store Item: Check out this casual Jeb 2016 Hooded Pullover. Only $60 and it comes in Heather Red.
  • Item Most Likely to Clarify that Jeb Loves Hispanic People: A quality Guaca Bowle at the sweet price point of $75.



Marco Rubio: He speaks good.

  • Inspirational Tagline: Are you ready for a new American Century?
  • Best Store Item: Buy Marco a plane ticket! For $500 you get a postcard from his travels, mad Twitter recognition, and personal updates.


Carly Fiorina: Did you know that she once talked to Steve Jobs! Elect her.

  • Inspirational Tagline: New Possibilities. Real Leadership.
  • Best Store Item: Unfortunately there is NO STORE. But, you can buy a highly-rated Carly bumper sticker on Amazon.

Ted Cruz: Stares majestically into the sky as he watches an American eagle soar high and free.

Donald Trump: He’s the best.

Get it while it's hot.

Get it while it's hot.

John Kasich: Because he might actually know what he’s talking about.

  • Inspirational Tagline: Results. Now. For Us.
  • Best Store Item: Absolutely nothing of interest here. So I would go with a tasteful red polo for $45.

That was an exhausting amount of research. But well worth it. Get your Christmas shopping started today.

Don’t Worry! We’ll Get to the Democrats

Last night’s debate was a pleasure to watch, and a pleasure to report. I hope to be as equally hard-hitting for the next Democratic debate, so stay tuned for more coverage of America’s candidates, and until then, remember, only you can prevent Donald Trump from becoming the next President of the United States of America!

Hatas gonna hate, but playas, they gonna play.  Source:

Hatas gonna hate, but playas, they gonna play.  Source:

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