In New England, where the leaves turn red, and the birds fly south, apple picking is not to be taken lightly. A deeply rooted cultural and seasonal phenomenon, it comes and goes each year without fail. It is controlled by no single entity or power and draws larger and larger crowds each year.
As a grown adult New Englander with no children, it wasn't until I actually went apple picking that I realized that children are monsters and filling an entire apple orchard with hundreds, even thousands of them is one of the strangest and most horrible things that can happen.
Luckily for you I've prepared a list of guaranteed experiences that will occur when you go apple picking in New England. Good luck, and good picking:
You Will Be Attacked by a Mob of Zombie Children:
While wandering around, traveling up and down the orchard lanes, through the trees, wondering which ones you should check out, there will be several times when you are completely surrounded by children.
You won’t know how it happens or how much danger you might be in. The parents will not be in range to assist in your escape.
Some of these children will be crying, all of them will be staring at you wondering just what in the hell you are. Some of them will have chocolate or apple stuff foaming around their mouths, no big deal — why bother to clean that up.
They will start shouting for no reason other than they haven't shouted in a little while. You'll have no choice but to run, keep running, don't stop.
You Will Laugh When You See Babies Run Briefly and Then Fall Down:
This is more or less self-explanatory. You’ll see lots of people hauling around babies. You'll see babies running around, falling, everywhere. Funny thing about babies, they can't run very far, so they just fall down.
It’s like a built-in baby safety mechanism. And two-fold it provides some much-needed humor in an otherwise stressful situation. Most importantly, always remember to laugh at a falling baby. It’s okay.
You Will Need to Practice the Art of Enjoying the Experience:
Within five minutes, you will have come close to filling the entire bag with apples. This will give you some time to reflect on the actual art of apple picking.
Since you drove a vehicle approximately five miles into the woods on a dirt road just to park the car, you have to find a way to sustain this trip for longer than 20 minutes. Climb the ladders, earnestly and with a straight face, focus on finding the very best apples, you deserve the very best, don't you?
You must make a game of believing that there are different tiers of apples, and it is up to you to thoroughly investigate all of the options.
You Will Cry When Seeing How Long the Line is for Apple Cider Donuts:
A wonderful, almost tear-inducing smell will fill the air when you close in on the farm stand area. Your apples are picked, business has been concluded, and now it’s time to kick back and enjoy the fruit you just picked but in a somewhat less healthy medium — the apple cider donut.
As you round the corner, your suspicions will rise with the sound of even more children, as if someone was mad enough to gather and confine them in an even smaller place where they have become an army of wild and hungry beasts. Then you see it. A sea of terror. A line winding back and forth for basically what will be forever.
You will not be eating an apple cider donut this day. You have been through too much; you are already too hungry. A lady working there spots you; you reek of inexperience, she gladly, with glee, explains that the line is about an hour long.
And so you wave goodbye to the apple cider donut line. You walk back through the woods in a feeble attempt to find your car. You accept that it is gone, it is no longer your car. It belongs to the parking lot in the woods now.
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