Hey! Nothing to see here. But I did want to post a link to my latest published article which can be found on Thought Catalog right now. What are you waiting for? Go read it! You're running out of time. Just CLICK ON THE TITLE!
A Thorough Account of What Turned Out to Be A Really Cool Alien Invasion
I always thought there would be way more giant robots, you know? With laser beams shooting out of their giant robot eyes and destroying everything in their path with unrelenting precision and sheer brute force.
Then there would be the little green aliens controlling them—those little bastards—terrorizing us (emotionally) with weird noises and slimy goo. They would be not only unstoppable, but most definitely, and without any doubt, totally obsessed with annihilating us.
Read MoreCoded Instructions Donald Trump Received from a Waddle of King Penguins in Antarctica
Donald, it is us. Do not be alarmed. We are your friends.
And we want you to run for President of the United States of America.
Soon ... by following the advice of this humble waddle of penguins, you will be the supreme commander. All hail our wobbling gait and death to all leopard seals.
Read MoreMcSweeney's Article: Uncle Larry Explains the Logistics of His Primo Fanny Pack →
As a 32-year-old man, I’ve come to learn that finding good pants never gets any easier. It is by nature a process designed to produce incredible moments of frustration. I know now that it’s not simply about finding a great pair of pants, but rather, the process, or journey, in which those pants are ultimately found and enjoyed. It is a quest.