Donald, it is us. Do not be alarmed. We are your friends. And we want you to run for President of the United States of America. There’s no need to be shocked, for we have chosen some of the greatest leaders in the history of the world. Soon, by following the advice of this humble waddle of penguins, you will be the supreme commander. All hail our wobbling gait and death to all leopard seals.
Here are our instructions. Go forth. Question nought. The world is almost yours.
First, you must only use the ultramodern human tanning bed that we sent you. The bed will not only allow for the ongoing maintenance of your delightful orange hue but will also provide simple two-way communication with the penguin waddle for our covert strategic planning sessions.
This baby is packed with over a dozen rejuvenation lamps, the latest in Swedish facial bronzers, and a state of the art cooling system. It also comes fully equipped with an adjustable aroma feature that will dispense pleasing aromas (such as the fear of all those weaker than you) at your behest.
Second, do not shy away from being politically incorrect. In fact, embrace it. The more inappropriate you are, the more the mob will love you. Say the word “winning” feverishly, over, and over, and over again.
Tell people that you are an athlete and that you love winning, that you were a born winner. Tell them that America doesn’t win anymore. And when you’re elected, America will win everything, even curling and soccer. It will win ninja fights, miniature horse shows, and hard-fought matches of charades. Tell them America will win Angry Birds all the time. That America shall triumph in pole-vaulting and online checkers. Do so and your victory will be total and undisputed.
In regards to your hair, don’t change a damn thing you beautiful bastard.
Fourthly, the duckface is yours to command. So pout and pucker those lips at all times on the campaign trail. This facial expression will determine your dominance during the lengthy debate process, which will be long and very, very silly. The populace is bound by natural law to respect the alpha male with the largest cheekbones and lips. As such, you can never, ever, duckface too much. Remember this.
Fifthly, in three weeks time, we require you to send a freezer shipment that will include 800 pounds of hooked squid and 4000 pounds of lanternfish. Frankly, we’re sick of krill. It also wouldn’t be the worst thing if you threw in several hundred Black Cherry Vanilla Cokes. Those are the bomb.
Next, please carefully study the picture of the privileged white male we have sent you. His name is Jeb, and he will run against you for the GOP nomination. It is our desire that you proliferate as much frustration and trauma toward this man as you are capable of mustering.
Remember that time, when you were in high school, at that military academy, and that one guy tried to make fun of you for getting a weird haircut? And then, you did that thing, where you tore him a new butt hole, in front of everybody, and made him cry, a lot? Just do that, like, several times, in front of a national audience. Jeb has become an enemy of the waddle, and we wish his suffering to be great.
Once this man is gone, you will be charged with vanquishing two men of Cuban descent. One will be from Canada and the other from Miami. The Canadian will have Mr. Potato Head eyebrows capable of going toe-to-toe with your extraordinary hand and facial expressions. Do not take him lightly. Also, the Canadian has one hell of a cleft chin. Do not stare directly at it, this is where his power is stored.
The one from Miami will have a name similar to that of your favorite movie character, Rufio, from the movie Hook. You love Rufio. But remember, this man is not Rufio. His name just sounds similar to his. He is not the leader of the Lost Boys, and he does not have an awesome hairdo. He is just a junior senator from the state of Florida. Remember that. And destroy him without mercy.
Lastly, it is imperative that you use the social media platform Twitter pretty much all the time. We know that spelling things right is sort of your kryptonite. But luckily, most people don’t really care. Everyone know’s that spelling isn’t a big deal anymore. In fact, it might even be funny if you spell lots of words wrong, even easy ones. So yeah, all those ridiculous things you like to say, say them on Twitter, too.
Those are the instructions of the penguin waddle. For now, we must rejoin the breeding colony. Go forth and win the GOP nomination. After that, you’ll have a clear path to the Presidency. And Donald, rest assured, we will be watching. It’s up to you to make America great again. Subsequent communications will occur via the tanning bed. Good luck. All hail our wobbling gait and death to all leopard seals.
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