A Thorough Account of What Turned Out to Be A Really Cool Alien Invasion

I always thought there would be way more giant robots, you know? With laser beams shooting out of their giant robot eyes and destroying everything in their path with unrelenting precision and sheer brute force. 

Then there would be the little green aliens controlling themthose little bastardsterrorizing us (emotionally) with weird noises and slimy goo. They would be not only unstoppable, but most definitely, and without any doubt, totally obsessed with annihilating us.

Boy, was I wrong.

So typical. Me, stereotyping our first alien invasion based on decades of stupid movies that have shown, for the most part, an extreme bias against alien civilizations and their motives.

Turns out, these aliens are actually really, really cool, and I’m not just saying that because they shot my cousin Ricky (who I hate) to the moon using a first-rate space cannon. You heard me. Space cannon. Awesome, right? Bye-bye, Ricky. See you NEVER.

The first thing the aliens did when they arrived was put a complete stop to war all over the globe. They vaporized all the weapons: tanks, missiles, nukes, assault weapons, chemical weapons, battleships, fighter jets, drones, even those cool ninja swords and battle axes you can buy at the mall. My friend Pete works at one of those stores, and he’s basically out of a job now. He still lives with his parents, so it’s not a huge deal, but he’s a little upset about it.

Then, the aliens used their superior technology to improve infrastructure, reverse global warming, bring back coral reefs, help the bees, remove all the trash from the ocean, replace the rain forests, legalize weed EVERYWHERE, and get this; Bernie Sanders has been elected supreme minister of the entire planet! So huge.

They also went back in time to make one teeny-weeny little change: they made sure Donald Trump never got that “small” million dollar loan from his father. Turns out he’s been working at a Jiffy Lube as a wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man for the past thirty years. Not a bad gig.

But it didn’t end there. Next they replenished all the species on land and sea that the human race nearly wiped out. All I can say is the narwhal population has nearly tripled, and you can barely go down the street without walking into a black-footed ferret or shaking hands with a Galapagos penguin.

They also vaporized all the fast food restaurants, soda companies, and luxury apartment buildings. They did keep a lot of the candy bars but were able to wrestle prices back down to reasonable levels. Best of all, they have a machine that turns belly lint into ice cream sandwiches. And it’s healthy for you. I don’t know how, but that’s what they said.

The aliens got rid of child slave labor, regular adult slave labor, really loud noises, cobwebs, Velcro, gang warfare, men’s Speedos, anchovies, unpaid internships, and even vaporized all those formal dining rooms that people never use. It was incredible. Seriously, people were so pumped for these guys.  

Did I mention that smog is gone? They even permanently got rid of all unwanted body hair, it’s basically unheard of these days. And I haven’t seen one pharmaceutical commercial on TV since they got here. You know why? Because there’s no more disease. The aliens got rid of that, too. Except for chicken pox and the common cold. They haven’t figured those out yet either.

Source: Flickr Commons, photographymontreal

Source: Flickr Commons, photographymontreal

Remember the super cool space cannon I mentioned earlier? The one that shot my douchey cousin Ricky to the moon? It’s called the Space Cannon Deluxe 4500. I guess it’s like the newest and best space cannon they’ve ever had — the latest in alien technology across the universe.

At first, people were like “whoa, what are they going to do with that?” But then the aliens started rounding up all the Nickelback fans and shot them off into space in large groups, because really, it’s not the band's fault, it’s the people that listen to them. After that, most people were cool with the space cannon.

I think most of our politicians were the next to go. Then it was Wall Street — the entire street. Can you believe the whole thing fit into the cannon? Next went the warlords with child armies. I think the Koch brothers both went in at the same time, then the Kardashians, or did the Kardashians go first? I can’t remember.

Sean Penn turned himself in because he just assumed he was on the list. Then went Chris Brown, people that masturbate in public, the Klu Klux Klan, and tons of other crappy people.

The aliens were actually really confused by the unexpected presence of Joaquin Phoenix. He wasn’t on the list and they had no idea what to do with him. Somehow, he ended up having a staring contest with one of their leaders that lasted eight days — and he won. As a result, they shot the alien leader into space and most of the other aliens who attended the staring contest followed Phoenix single file into a nearby forest — nobody’s seen them since.

Source: Flickr Commons, Surian Soosay

Source: Flickr Commons, Surian Soosay

They did try very, very hard to get rid of Sarah Palin but most of the aliens, even with their superior technology, were terrified of her. Some of us tried to explain to them what her role is here on Earth, but they couldn’t comprehend how someone could make a profession out of traveling around in a giant pimped out bus and scaring people with words and power suits.

Bravo went next, the entire station — every housewife was accounted for. It was ugly, horrific actually. They fought hard, mostly against each other, but still. TMZ. Mario Lopez. The View. Dr. Oz. And, of course, the one and only — Dick “I just tinkled in my pants a little bit” Cheney. Gone.

Now that harmony has been restored to planet Earth by our new overlords, everything is going pretty smooth. In fact, there’s really not a ton to do. The alien drones and robots do all of our hard work now, like chasing around energetic babies; harvesting our food; distributing parking tickets; collecting tolls on the highway; and fueling our energy needs with crystals and oddly enough — raisins.

Everyone pretty much just sits around all day doing whatever. It’s cool. Occasionally, and I mean, this is rare, an alien will eat a human, but it barely ever happens.

For the most part, they are very chill. Fun fact: they’re super obsessed with playing bocce. They love it. They play all the time. They also love barbecuing, hanging out by the pool, and drinking daiquiris. From what I can tell, they are a very family-oriented species.

Source: Flickr Commons, Pascal

Source: Flickr Commons, Pascal

Overall, this alien invasion has really turned my opinion around in regards to alien invasions in general. They don’t have to be apocalyptic at all. I mean, it was pretty clear that our species was just winging this whole thing. I for one appreciate the help and guidance they’ve provided.

I just wish they would stop harvesting our blood. It’s not that bad, but it’s annoying, and it makes me dizzy. And oh yeah, I almost forgot, they vaporized everyone’s thumbs. Weird, right? A world without thumbs — never thought I’d see the day. But yeah, so far, it’s been the best alien invasion ever. I can’t wait to see what happens next.