Summer Is Coming: How to Avoid Getting Sand Stuck In Your Butt

Several Good Reasons Why My Wife Should Be Allowed to Legally Whack Pedestrians with a Pool Noodle

Neutrons/Protons: Ugh, I Accidentally Started a Successful Chimney Sweep Company

Neutrons/Protons: Best-Selling Author Pamela Festoon's 60-Minute Seminar "How to Find Your Druthers"

Thought Catalog: 6 Life Lessons I Learned While Trying to Meditate During 'Vanderpump Rules'

A Thorough Account of What Turned Out to Be A Really Cool Alien Invasion

Coded Instructions Donald Trump Received from a Waddle of King Penguins in Antarctica

Today, I Would Like to Discuss the Horrible, No Good, Feeling of Rejection

McSweeney's: Uncle Larry Explains the Logistics of His Primo Fanny Pack

The Great Big Wedding Approaches



The End of My Beautiful Mustache: I'll Be Gone 'Til Movember, Gone 'Til Movember

The Day I Got Sick and the Man in the Crosswalk Told Me He Was the Terminator

This Is What a 15 Minute Uber Ride Listening to a Justin Bieber Album at Maximum Volume Feels Like

Here's What You Really Need to Know About Last Night's Republican Debate

Did You Know There's Absolutely Nothing Worse Than Emptying Silverware From the Dishwasher?

Learn Why You Should Donate Money While I Grow a Mustache

It Is SO EASY to Be Exhausted in This Busy World of Ours

Whole Foods Market: A Story of Monsters, Bean Sprouts, and Kombucha

The Truth About What It's Really Like to Raise a Decorative Gourd

The Search for Pants: A Modern Day Quest

The Big Blue Carpet: A Story of Vacuums and String

The Horrible Snowstorm and the Frozen City

Learn All About the Chaos, Confusion, and Etiquette of Walking Through an Art Exhibit

The Unfortunate Occurrence of a Car Noise

On a Brief Relationship with Kale: Parting Ways

On the Act of Spilling Things and the Making of a Mess

Let's Discuss Everything There Is To Know About Parking Lot Dumpster Squirrels



According to My Email I May Be In A Prime Position to Buy Real Estate in Belize

'Tis the Season to Accidentally Eat a Thousand Cookies

A Very Merry First Christmas for Our Seasonal Decorative Gourd

A Brief Discussion on the Finer Points of Wrapping a Present

A Woman Named Destini Sent Me A Very Intriguing Email

'Tis the Season for Weird, Sensual Perfume Commercials And I Can't Wait

Simple Techniques to Implement Your Decorative Gourd for the Christmas Season

'Tis the Season that Melissa Joan Hart and Anthony Anderson Work at Walmart

The Importance of Having Space for Jackets in a Tiny Apartment

A Detailed Guide: How to Be a Terrible, Horrible, Noisy Upstairs Neighbor

A Thanksgiving Well Spent: To the Couch We Shall Go

Sons of Anarchy May Quite Possibly Be the Most Ridiculous TV Show, Ever

The Incredible Anxiety Brought On By An Unfortunate Car Noise

Please Beware the Impending Doom of Christmas Season

It's A Gosh Darn Shame That Decorative Gourds Are Tossed to the Garbage

This Is What Email Taught Me About Jacuzzi Walk In Hot Tubs

It's So Utterly Stupid: Stepping in Dog Shit

It's Important to Appreciate the Pure Joy of Leisurely Car Rides

Do You Understand How Awesome Burlington, Vermont Actually Is? Nope.

It's Important to Vote Because Rich People Are Stupid

Things That Have, In No Particular Order, Most Definitely Fallen Into My Keyboard

Maurice the Pants Man: A Life in Pants

On the Subject of Sitting Still and Not Moving For Long Periods of Time

It's Time You Were Told What Life with A Decorative Gourd Is Really Like

A Quick Note on Rooms & Storage Bins

What It's Like to Live in A World Full of Uber Drivers

My Very First Decorative Seasonal Gourd

A Few Strange Things that May Occur while Apple Picking

Matthew McConaughey Turns Car Commercials Into Art

The Health Benefits of Walking in An Old Strange Cemetery